what is wrong with me?!

what is wrong with me?! i ask myself that question so often, but this weekend, i have asked myself about every hour. what is wrong with me?! i strive for normalcy, and then think that I really have no clue what "normal" really is. and is it something i wish to obtain? is how i feel, how i act, how i think, how i interact with people, that abnormal? is wanting to express myself, to have "true" feelings odd? is wanting to feel loved by more than just an entity wrong? is feeling acceptance and a sense of belonging different than what others feel? is the pain of rejection any less in me than others? do i truly have a place in this world, or am i left to constantly search? is realizing that i am a liability to all and a priority to none less painful if you are "normal"? is it too much to ask and receive an honest answer about "being normal"? so often i feel as if people view me as a "normal person" they don't know the things that go on in my head, or any of my past, they see what i present to them on the outside, and they treat me accordingly. then there are the people that know me that have intimate knowledge about who i am and the complexities that come along with that, and do they treat me any differently than if i was a "normal person"? i don't have the answers. i just know that somewhere along the lines of escaping my past and trying to find normalcy, i lost myself. i lost being the person who could conquer the world, who had a smile for everyone, who never turned down a challenge, who was dependable, who was fun, who was carefree. i am not those things anymore, i have lost my identity along the way. i long to be that fun-loving, life-affirming person, who didn't remember her past, who didn't rely on others to get her through hard times, who didn't reject life when everyone around her couldn't be there to get her through, i lost who i once was. sometimes, i see glimpses of her in my children, hear them laughing and watch them clowning around, and remember the times when i was fun and not afraid, and not alone. this path i have chosen, perhaps saved my physical being, this path that i have chosen might have saved my spiritual being, but i feel like a hollow shell, people notice and just like in the past, they think "she's normal" she doesn't need me. and perhaps the path i am on, is the wrong one. and maybe it isn't.