i realized something this week, something that i think i should have known, but didn't and something that kind of surprised me. it seems stupid to say but to me this is a huge "lightbulb" moment. ok, most people know that i cannot keep a secret not ever, i am so pathetic that i actually take my kids with me to buy their christmas presents and then if they happened to not be there i show them to them. my poor children always know what they are getting for every gift giving event! how sad, right?! i hate that i am like that, it drives dave bonkers, but no matter what i always tell. when i got george his shirt, i wanted so much to tell, but i didn't, and it was nice that he was surprised. well, this weekend two very huge things came up that need absolute secrecy, and i mean huge, my best friend shannon, threatened my life with telling them, she said it wasn't even worth doing if i told. so here i was stuck with two great pieces of information, that i want to share with my family, and yet i know that if they are surprised it will be so much sweeter, so i told myself over and over again, you can't tell, and that soon turned into why do you always tell. and around 3am on sunday morning, i realized why i can't keep a secret. all my life, people did horrid things to me, and always said, don't tell, bad things will happen if you tell, and to me, i always thought it weird that bad things were always happening even without telling, so how could telling be worse?! when i became aware of all of the things i had not known about my life, and realized how many secrets were locked away in my mind, i decided that i didn't want to have secrets anymore, and even good things that are meant to be surprises and fun, tortured me if i didn't tell. this was huge to me, and i have decided that i will not divulge these secrets or die trying not to, and see what the result will be, how will the "surprisees" respond with an actual surprise from me? how will i do with knowing something great without being able to let them in on it? one surprise is this month, the other not until the end of june, will i make it? i don't know, but you can be praying that i do. my family will be amazed if i can pull this off. some secrets i think are worth keeping!