where has all the time gone?

where has all the time gone? everyday i ask myself that. time either seems to stand still or move at the speed of light. i have been struggling here lately. i don't really like myself and i find that with each passing day, i go deeper and deeper into a dark place in my mind. i think that if i could change anything the past years it would be that i would never have learned to feel. ignorance was bliss, not knowing even the good emotions was preferable to this. i wonder how "normal" people do it?! having so many conflicting emotions trying to sort them out, feeling like your heart will explode one minute from being so full and the next scraping together the fragments left when it broke. laughing till your side aches and then crying from pain. being so afraid and then feeling invincible. i personally think that emotions suck! i wish that i never became aware of mpd or any of it. i wish that my alters continued to live my life for me. what a coward, right?! i don't care. i feel so incapable of surviving the day to day emotional grind, and it scares me this place i have retreated to. i want the pain to end, to be dull and at peace with my ignorance. i wish that time would go back and remove this burden from me. life is not so fun these days. i cannot escape "feeling" and i hate it so much! to feel for me, feels like death. i am not in a good place and will probably erase this blog when i come to my senses, if i ever do.... that's all