today i feel empty

today i feel empty and lonely and just blah! no reason for it, really. my house is clean, the laundry is done, the kids are good, marriage is doing well, yet, i feel so hollow. it is one of those days that i question god a lot, i want answers to tons of questions and never seem to get them. i want to know how much longer will my "healing" take, and how much worse are the memories going to get, i want to know why christians deny that there is a devil, and why they treat each other so badly, i want to know how it is possible to be in the "christianity club" yet feel so alone so often, i want to know how to make myself a different type of person so that i can be around the people i love and care for more often, i want to know how i am blessed to have such great kids when i don't deserve it, i want to know lots, and yet i hear only a resounding silence right now. i feel so empty today, i am having one of those "really hate that i am a multiple" days. i want so badly to close my eyes and wake up a different person, without all the baggage. to just be someone else, to not have to remember to not have to hurt. so that's it, nothing left to say, i am just a big ball of blah................