i am losing my freaking mind!

i am losing my freaking mind! for a few weeks now, i have struggled internally with really disliking myself, it started with some memories that i have been having and that really disgust me. i cannot imagine that i ever allowed myself to do some of those things. and i am really bothered that i was a coward and created someone else to deal with it. i usually can talk and reason with myself about it and let it go, this time i haven't been able to. i do ok when i am around other people but the second i am alone i start to cry and really beat myself up. last night it got bad. dave and the kids left to go play volleyball and swim at a friends house, i was home alone cleaning and doing laundry, which was fine, until i started to freak out. it got to a point where i felt i needed to escape, from myself?!?! by the time dave was on the way home, i had gotten into the car and left, no where to go, just needed out. i drove around for a few hours, i wasn't going to the coven, no worries there, but i had no direction and no purpose. i ended up at shannons and stayed until after 3 am. i do not understand who i am. i wish i had never started to feel. i told her i was mentally ill and i was scared, she said you are not mentally ill you are emotionally ill. then she explained to me what she meant. it sounded right, but i am really scaring myself. i feel like i cannot keep things together. she told me that i might feel out of control but i very much keep things running, with the house and the kids and everything, and that it isn't obvious to others that i am struggling. i don't know what to do! i feel so frightened by my thoughts, and sickened by my memories, i feel isolated and alone and i don't know which way is up most of the time. i look in the mirror and it is so distorted with rage and bitterness and hurt, it doesn't look human. i hate the way i am feeling and cannot get out of mind and i am scared. i don't want to feel anymore!