today i am thinking, too much, probably

today i am thinking, a lot.... too much? i wonder about my effectiveness in the kingdom? do we have expiration dates on how long we are useful to god? when do we know that we are past our date? does god work like that? does he limit how long and how good we are at serving him? does he look at me and say, oh don't worry about it, you expired two years ago, i don't expect anything from you. is that how it is? or have i just let myself get too full of pride, and think i am useless because i don't see results like i used to. i think i have let my issues about god and religion and love and trust and forgiveness become very jaded and clouded. am i a different christian than i was before? do i not want to bring more people into his glory and dispel the effects of the enemy? no! that is ridiculous! i still hate the devil, i still want people to have freedom, even if i am not completely free, i still want to teach and have people learn, i still feel like i was saved for a purpose. so i guess it's time that i quit trying to act like i am useless, quit caring about who likes me and who doesn't, quit listening to old tapes in my head about "the right way" to do things,and just for once let god work through me and use me and allow my healing to come as well. i didn't expire, i just took myself off the shelf for awhile. i told you i was thinking too much.....