a presupposition

the other day i was helping my daughter study for her science test. she told me she needed to be able to write an essay about what presupposition was. i looked at her oddly, she is only 9 and in the 4th grade, she asked me if she could tell me what she was going to write and if i thought it was good enough. i chuckled thinking to myself, if she actually would even have a clue, but said yes, and then listened to this....i think it is like when someone gives you a bowl full of ice-cream, you have never had the flavor before, and just by looking at it, you decide that you are going to love it,or you are going to hate it, and that means you made up your mind before ever even trying it, i think that is what presupposition is. made sense to mom, so i said good job and marveled at how much i was learning through my child. i have been struggling lately, with christians and christianity and all of it, and realized that i had a "presupposition" about christians, from a very young age i believed that i could never count on a christian to be there for me, they couldn't be bothered, and that you never ask a christian for money, and that you don't admit in church or to christians when something is going wrong in your life, it has always clouded my judgment and had for years kept me in a coven, because it seemed easier to get beaten and bruised than to try to live a christian lifestyle. i finally met god and had a real taste of his love and his mercy and his joy and freedom, still becoming a "christian" was a bitter pill for me to swallow. i love god, and praise him and worship him and seek him out and long for more of him, and yet, still, i wonder if he wants christians to live the way they do, hiding hurts from each other, condemning each other, jealousy, anger,, bitterness, hurts, knocking each other down and they kicking them while they are down, i wonder did he die for us to treat each other this way. i am so guilty of it, i try to not be "exploited" in telling others the wonders god has done in my life, and what he has saved me from, why? because they might not believe me, because they might change their opinion of me, because i shouldn't talk about the devil and demons? why, i have not shared with a small group at church, because i am afraid, of how other christians will view me and my family, i haven't shared at summer camp, even though many many times i felt like saying this is me, who i was, who i am, who god is making me to be, because why, i felt like i was breaking an unspoken rule. i have had a miraculous journey, that i believed i was brought through to help others, i have gifts(or curses, however you see it) that i believe i have to help people, and yet i don't. i have said things about other christians, been jealous of other christians, hid fears and truths from other christians, i am what i have long hated. i could not have seen that coming, i try to loan money freely, i try to be available 24/7 to whoever needs me, i have reached out, i pray, i do things that i feel god is asking of me, but then i draw the line, i can't call this person or that one and say i need to pray for you, i don't say, hey listen i want to tell you who i really am and where i came from, i don't do it, because to admit that i have pain, that i have hurts, that i need others, is not what "christians" really do. i am hurting i want the world to know, christians too, it is halloween season, and things like sabbats, and equinoxs and decorations in stores and even the orange cream in my beloved oreos, is a problem, i am a christian, who used to be a satanist, who feels pulled, who feels abandoned, who feels rejection, who is "playing" with all the other christians that i am ok, i am not. i need other christians, i need them, i believe that god told us several times in his word to seek each other out, set ourselves apart, build each other up, being honest, protect each other, why aren't we? i am confused and and i am fearful of this season, it is a huge deal to me, more than i will ever let on, satanists, 15 years later, are still following me, why are they so dedicated to the impossible, why? christians, come, go, it is not the same, i want to belong to a community that is dedicated to the impossible, to the years and years of healing some may have to go through, to the laughter, the tears, the hurts, and the just hanging out times, why can't we do that. oh, sorry, i am ranting and raving, it is saturday night in october, and right now, i remember vividly what someone will be going through, i don't like myself very much right now, i think i need to do more, this blog is about me, no matter the terminology, it is not "aimed" at anyone other than myself, just needed to get this out of my head tonight. i am a christian, i am hurting, i don't want to do this alone,