leia's turn

Well, things are different, no, I take that back, things are just bad. I suppose I am allowed to use this blog as well, so since I have no where else to vent I think I will. I used to be in control, made sure that whoever was needed, was up, I made sure that we always had money, food, shelter, and that we were where we were needed to be all the time. I was good at this and loved my "job". Then the "discovery" came and we were found out, and still it didn't change my job, because Debbie was in denial and couldn't handle all the craziness that we all seemed to bring to her. But slowly, she got stronger and braver and soon she was in control and that too was ok with me, I just changed jobs and started working more on the "inside". But now, Debbie cannot handle the emotional state that she is in and it is hell! It went from a monthly to a weekly to a daily to an hourly occurance of her discarding her emotions onto someone new. I cannot control the suddeness of these new people many with a single isolated emotion. I cannot control the girls in here who latch onto these newbies and try to merge with them to make themselves stronger. I cannot console the kids who think that they are all alone and are scared and hurting. I cannot stop the memories from flooding over Debbie and I cannot control Debbie. I am swirling in confusion and exhaustion and I hate it. Things are so chaotic here. I want to scream. Debbie wants to run and escape the pain, I cannot remove it. I know why people like us never get "well", I used to be an optimist now I am just a realist. And please don't insult my intelligence by saying to turn to God, I am fully reliant on God now and in the past and future, that is not the case with me. It is easy to spout off with "you are never alone, god is with you". But believe me, while we are keenly aware of this truth, it isn't always a helpful thing to hear. Sometimes it hurts more than the lonliness. I am sorry that I am venting, but i fear I will soon implode if I don't and I have no where else to do it, if you are upset with me, I am sorry, but there is little I can do about it right now. I am drowning and may never recover from this. A mind fragmented is a hard thing to put back together, in fact, the mind never goes back, you just put the pieces into the heart and let the heart melt the pieces and keep them there. So, from the very broken place in Debbie's mind, heart and spirit, I will sign off now, Leia