a tortured mother's tale

Today was hard. Yesterday was hard. This week, the whole month have been hard. Somedays it seems more than I can take. Constant appts. and tests, no answers, feeling crappy, hating being married. Really hating it on some days. This month has sucked! And no prayer on Tuesdays, I never really realized how much it meant, even though I thought I did, until this month, I felt so isolated, so scared, and so wishing that I could just see my friends, just to feel a part of something. Especially missed seeing my "dad". It felt as if my heart would never mend. I found myself, building up walls, shutting off tears, making my heart like ice. I didn't want to feel, i didn't want to face things alone, i just thought, I could make it go away if I didn't let myself feel. Truth is i still feel awful, and don't know if i have created more problems for later on down the road as far as my mind, and it's wonderfully stupid ability to split apart when things get too hard. Somedays only my children keep me going, and this week they are all at camp. I am thrilled that they are, but I miss them so much! My heart aches and yearns to hear their voices, to feel them cautiously squeeze me so that they don't hurt me. Today was bad, we got the call from the nurse at camp, Zedie was sick. They called Dave. I wanted to drive up and hold him and make him feel better, Zedie called me a few hours later, he didn't want to leave. He didn't need his mommy. I needed to be needed. I have for the past month, longed for someone to let me be needed, to let me cry, to hold me, to make me feel at least like if I couldn't feel better at least i could feel loved and cared for. I want every second to call up to camp, to see if my son is ok, but i know that he is in a great place, one where he is cared for, where he is protected, and loved and spiritually safe. I sent him there, because I know how i feel when i am there, and there is no other place i would want my son or daughters to be if they were away from me. But, today, as a mother, i am tortured by missing my kids, by feeling like i am not needed, by wishing the time would go faster so i could once again hold them. they make me complete, they make my life have purpose and meaning, and they have taught me to love and to not be afraid to love and show affection, they make it ok to be just a mom, because it seems so important when i look at them. So I will wait until Saturday, probably a little impatiently, but i will, and then i will listen to their stories, and count their mosquito bites, and probably wonder why i was so anxious for them to return to me. But it will be precious to my heart and I can't wait!