big greedy gulps

Today Brad and I leave for five days. It is our anniversary trip. We are going to Asilomar. In less than twelve hours my feet will be in the sand and I will be breathing in the salty air with big greedy gulps. Yesssss.

through the eyes of a child

oh lord, it is so dark and dreary,
of this fight, i have really grown weary!
my heart it is battered, bruised and scarred,
why does this have to be so hard?
i want to give in, to lay down and die,
is everything i have been told, an outright lie?
i try to be strong, yet i feel so weak,
is everything always going to seem so bleak?
alone, scared and angry,
describes me to a tee.
my mind is shattered,
my heart so battered,
and then a thought occurs to me:
through the eyes of a child,
i will take another look,
with the will of a child,
i will take back what they took,
with the heart of a child,
i will ache at the chance to feel love,
with the hope of a child,
i will believe he is up above,
a long time ago when my mind first split
i found myself looking up from a pit,
i believed he heard my cries and my shout,
i believed he would come and pull me out,
i had seen him before at night, in my dreams,
i knew i would be punished, and yet i still screamed,
he came, just like i believed he would,
and pulled me out, like a good dad should,
wrapped his arms around really tight,
i buried my head with all of my might,
i was scared that if he saw just who i was,
he'd turn and around and leave, just because,
but he just held me tighter, i knew i was saved,
as a child, i trusted, believed and had hope,
but year after year, i soon couldn't cope,
i was cold and fearful, grew up way too fast,
i soon realized that my hope didn't last.
tonight, i was ready to end my life,
too much of all this sorrow and strife,
i lay there with tears, falling fast and free,
i screamed out to him," what's wrong with me"
i felt like a child, throwing a fit,
soon my thoughts went back to that pit,
through the eyes of a child,
i need to see,
he's still there, waiting for me
through the mind of a child,
i need to forgive,
it's the only way to really live,
through the heart of a child,
i need to trust once more,
all the way through, to my very core,
with the will of a child,
i will get back on my feet,
i might be knocked down, but this isn't defeat,
and who knows, after a little while,
this grown-up woman, may have a childlike smile.

drug lord

Drug dealers erect shrines to Mexican folk hero

Drug dealers worship him. They build shrines in their homes and pray to him that they don't get caught.

Jesus Malverde, a Mexican folklore hero, is the so-called patron saint of drug traffickers.

He was a Robin Hood-like bandit who was hanged by authorities in 1909, according to legend. Malverde's popularity grew shortly after his death, when locals in Mexico began attributing miracles to him.

How he became an idol for those in the drug trade is unclear; Malverde was never a drug dealer. But Fresno police say they now find shrines devoted to him in half the homes of drug dealers snagged in undercover busts.

"In the drug world, he's huge. He's a saint to these people," said Sgt. Alex Flores, a supervisor with the Fresno Police Department's major narcotics unit.

Most suspects, however, will not talk shop with police. "I have never in my 11 years had anybody admit to it being a good luck charm for narcotics trafficking," Flores said. "They lie about it. They lie that it's even theirs. They'll lie and say they didn't know it was there."

The irony of finding a shrine in the home of a dealer who has been caught is not lost on Flores.

"You can see that in their faces at times," he said. "You ask them about their shrine. They'll make some kind of humorous comment, like, 'I guess it didn't work this time.' Their luck finally ran out."

By Tim Eberly / The Fresno Bee

Jesus was completely annoying

Today's Quote:

"And that's one of the things you notice about Jesus in the gospels, that He is always going around saying, You have heard it said such and such, but I tell you some other thing. If you happened to be a person who thought they knew everything about God, Jesus would have been completely annoying."

--Donald Miller
Searching for God Knows What

it ain't all bad

I just discovered two different people who got to my other blog by doing these Yahoo searches:

scripture quotes on Jesus as the TRUTH

quotes from scripture on beauty

This made me inordinately happy. Blogging. It ain't all bad.

not a good cantor

Last night I had this disturbing dream. I was standing in the middle of a room, and many of the people I know and love were sitting around the perimeter of the room. With me, in the center of this large room, was a young woman of unknown identity. She was talking and I was listening, and praying, and soon it became evident that there was a huge struggle going on... a spiritual battle for this woman's life. I began to pray and clumsily speak words to stave off demons and bring in the big gun angels and all that. In my dream I felt a bit intimidated at first, but then sort of gained confidence in how God was using me. I did on occasion glance over to my friends who were clearly just sitting on their asses and not helping me in any way, but my attention would quickly be averted by something this young woman said and I would go back to praying over her. I was hugging her and praying, mostly. That's about it. Pretty soon she calmed down and it became evident that she was 'okay', whatever that means.

Then my friends walked up to me and began to critique my method of praying for this woman. I don't remember most of the words but I remember the feeling that I had let them down, and also feeling confused because I thought I had done a pretty good job until they came up and started talking smack on me.

The one thing I do remember them saying was this: "It's not your gift, Jamie. You're just not a good cantor."

So I woke up with these words ringing in my head, which was weird because I suddenly had images of Danny Kaye (whom everyone is too young to remember) in some old movie about Eddie Cantor, and I don't even know who Eddie Cantor is, really. And there was also some faint recollection of some Neil Diamond movie--which is just plain scary--about a cantor. I looked 'cantor' up on Answers.com and it is defined in the following way:

can·tor (kăn'tər)

n. The Jewish religious official who leads the musical part of a service.

1. The person who leads a church choir or congregation in singing; a precentor.

[Latin, singer, from canere, to sing.]

can·to'ri·al (kăn-tôr'ē-əl, -tŏr'-) adj.

Yeah. So that's it. Pretty weird. But not the strangest dream I've ever had. Not even close.

my apology

this is my public apology for hating christians, saying i hate christians, thinking i hate christians, whatever. i have read many things recently from one christian to another, full of spite, anger, bitterness and i realized that as much as i really do dislike the way most christians behave, including myself, i think that my hatred only perpetrates more bitterness. i chose this way of life, i should keep my mouth shut or do something to change it or get out. so i am sorry for my being so forward with my dislike. i will try to work on it.

A purpose driven woman...

There is an article in Christianity Today that caught my attention and I thought I would post it here instead of my blog...

First, Click HERE and read the article, I will wait...

Good to have you back, I made espresso for us while you were reading, so let's talk.

I thought of you while I was reading this article. A woman being rocked by the pain in others lives and not sure if she is wanting to do what God is calling her to do.

God is a loan shark, you borrowed life from God and He gave it to you at a high price - relationship. Pain is part of the relationship, this pain from what you see. It is a searing pain, a Jacob's hip kind of pain. It is affecting your walk, but you continue to walk, moving forward, because it hurts worse to sit down and not go anywhere.

There are times you want to not see the pain because there is too much and you feel you are ineffective because there is so much pain, so you withdraw. But the pain gets worse because you are not at His best when you are not in relationship to those you see who are in pain. "I cannot do this any more!!!" you cry out but yet what would you do? You are good at this. Too good. "Let someone else have this limp for a while, damn it."

You go to the market to buy some groceries for tonight's dinner but you see it on the faces of the others as you walk down the aisle. You hear it as the mother scolds her child who wants candy and they can't afford it. You want to fix it but you are not in relationship with them.

"I just want to work in my garden where I am effective and I can enjoy the fruit of my labor. I can enjoy the tomatos, the peppers, the corn." They are part of tonight's supper. "I get my hands dirty but I feel cleaner here, my heart is light here. I can add manure to the soil and it brings nutrients to the plants. I love the contrast of the coolness of the soil on my hands and the heat of the sun on my back. The smell of sweat on my blouse makes sense in the garden. I love working in my garden..."

You are created to love those people He has given you. You are created to enjoy their company just as you enjoy the taste of the tomato. You enjoy the taste because you take the time to taste not just consume. You taste with your whole mouth, you give it enough time to taste before you swallow. You know what it takes to produce it because your hands are still stained from the soil from the garden.

How can you take on someone else's pain when you are in pain? Is there anyone for your pain? Does anyone appreciate your flavor? Is anyone taking time for you? "Who's hands are stained with my life?" you ask.

Yes. There is someone...

if he tries anything

I lke this Ani Difranco song. It reminds me of my Girls Only girls.

if he tries anything

i'm invincible
so are you
we do all the things
they say we can't do
we walk around
in the middle of the night
and if it's too far to walk
we just hitch a ride

we got rings of dirt
around our necks
we talk like auctioneers
and we bounce like checks
we smell like shit
still, when we walk down the street
all the boys line up
to throw themselves at our feet

i say i think he likes you
you say i think he do too
go and get him girl
before he gets you
i'll be watching you
from the wings
i will come to your rescue
if he tries anything

it's a long long road
it's a big big world
we are wise wise women
we are giggling girls
we both carry a smile
to show when we're pleased
we both carry a switchblade
in our sleeves

tell you one thing
i'm gonna make noise when i go down
for ten square blocks
they're gonna know i died
all the goddesses will come up
to the ripped screen door
and say,
what do you want, dear?
and i'll say,
i want inside

i say i think he likes you
you say i think he do too
go and get him girl
before he gets you
i'll be watching you
from the wings
i will come to your rescue
if he tries anything

open house

Open house today at Dakota House. The coolest thing about it--to me--is that the kids are so excited. Yesterday Kiki was all over it... cleaning (sort of), helping carry stuff, watering plants... but the best part was his concern over what would be the appropriate attire for this event. "I gotta wear something good, you know, Jamie?" Mind you he was--at the time--wearing a stained and oversized t-shirt that said 'You tell me I'm messy like it's a bad thing.' I can't wait to see what sort of ensemble he chooses.

discernment. and when the light goes on.

'Discernment' seems like a churchy word. But it's a good thing to have.

Yesterday was week 3 of Girls Only. We are talking about how they are wonderfully made, and about what God has destined for these young women as opposed to what the world tells them is in store for them.

Their journal entry question was:
"What have you seen this week that was a lie about women?"

We got some interesting answers. My favorite was in regards to this rapper named Kenye West. Being totally unhip I had never heard of him, but apparently he is big, and has this song called Jesus Walks. So this sweet shy girl in my group says she thought he might be okay, because of that song. Now here comes the good part. She said this to me:

"But...um, Jamie. I heard his other songs. And he say every woman is a ho. But I ain't no ho, and God made me wonderful, and I don't think he should be sayin that. I never thought about it before. But so I ain't listening to his music no more now."

I love it. I love it when the light goes on, and the Holy Spirit begins to move in the heart. I love my job sometimes.

bard in the park

Her:
Good pilgrim... you do wrong your hand too much, which, mannerly devotion shows in this. For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch. And palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss.

Him:
Have not saints lips? And holy palmers, too?

Her:
Ay, pilgrim. Lips that they must use in prayer.

Him:
Well then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.They pray, grant thous, lest faith turn to despair.

Last night we sat outside under a lovely night sky and watched Romeo and Juliet. For free. We have discovered (a bit late) that Fresno offers free performances (you can make a donation) of Shakespeare at Woodward Park. You can still catch the last performance Saturday night in the amphitheater. 8:00. I recommend it.

today i am thinking, too much, probably

today i am thinking, a lot.... too much? i wonder about my effectiveness in the kingdom? do we have expiration dates on how long we are useful to god? when do we know that we are past our date? does god work like that? does he limit how long and how good we are at serving him? does he look at me and say, oh don't worry about it, you expired two years ago, i don't expect anything from you. is that how it is? or have i just let myself get too full of pride, and think i am useless because i don't see results like i used to. i think i have let my issues about god and religion and love and trust and forgiveness become very jaded and clouded. am i a different christian than i was before? do i not want to bring more people into his glory and dispel the effects of the enemy? no! that is ridiculous! i still hate the devil, i still want people to have freedom, even if i am not completely free, i still want to teach and have people learn, i still feel like i was saved for a purpose. so i guess it's time that i quit trying to act like i am useless, quit caring about who likes me and who doesn't, quit listening to old tapes in my head about "the right way" to do things,and just for once let god work through me and use me and allow my healing to come as well. i didn't expire, i just took myself off the shelf for awhile. i told you i was thinking too much.....

movie tip for the weekend

Rent this movie .

it's fun to pray at the YMCA

A few days ago I read an article in the paper about Evangel Home. One of the pictures was of a woman in the 'prayer closet.' It got me thinking. A prayer closet is a cool thing. I've never had one.

I've been working out at the 'YMCA' lately. I like the Y. It's a funky old building in downtown Fresno occupied by people like me, which is to say, people who want to work out and get in shape, but aren't what you might call 'bodybuilders.' And they certainly aren't there to 'hook up' or get 'picked up', which I find an unfortunate commonality with other gyms. In fact, one of the things I like about it is the large proportion of handicapped people there. Someday I will tell you the story of the lady who has brain damage--she has told me the story of how it happened... like numerous times because she cannot remember telling it to me already. I adore her.

Anyway...I swim laps, work out with weights, do the treadmill, take a yoga class... that sort of thing. The other day after swimming I treated myself to some time in the sauna. I love the smell of the sauna. Wet wood and hot air. Nice. It's dimly lit, small, and quiet. No distractions. I lay there sweating, thinking, praying, listening for His voice. It is the perfect prayer closet. No one disturbs me. There is no phone in there... not even a cell phone. Happy me.

Now I do it every chance I get. Jesus meets me in there. We are very quiet together yet I can hear Him clearly. Thank you God for answering a prayer I had not uttered. For meeting a need I did not know I had. That's so like you.

the WHY

Some of the people who know me really well have referred to me as The Why Girl (now I work out at the 'Y' and really like it, but that is something different entirely) because in order for me to be able to forgive someone, or myself, it is really helpful for me to know the why. I have thought this to be beneficial in my job. It might go something like this:

"What?! You beat and abuse your child?! How could you?"

And the full story unfolds from same person:

"When I was a child my father kept me in a closet for four days, giving me only water and coming in to beat me without warning."

"Oh...." I now say. "No wonder you beat your own child. I am so sorry...." (a bit oversimplified... but you get the picture.) And now forgiveness comes easily.

Yesterday in a discussion with someone it was pointed out to me that Jesus does not ask the 'why'. Case in point: the woman at the well. Jesus only tells her He knows of her sins for her benefit. So she won't walk away from Him saying, "Oh sure. He says He forgives me but if He only knew...."

Jesus forgives us based on His unconditional love for us. Done deal. I am struggling with the knowledge that Jesus does, in fact, know the things that have damaged us. But I am now thinking that/wondering if what Jesus actually models for us is not the need to know the 'why' but the requirement to love whether we do or not.

I am going to have to think about this for a really long time.

Nice Song/with chords

I Pour Out my Heart

G D Em
Here I am once again, I pour out my heart
C G
For I know that you hear every cry
D
You are listening
Em C
No matter what state my heart is in
G D
You are faithful to answer
Em C
With words that are true and a hope that is real
G D
As I feel Your touch
Em C
You bring a freedom to all that’s within
Am B/G C
In the safety of this place, I’m longing to

G D
Pour out my heart, to say that I love you
Em C
Pour out my heart, to say that I need you
G D
Pour out my heart, to say that I’m thankful
Em C D G
Pour out m heart to say that you’re wonderful
D Em C
Oh, that you’re wonderful

Prayer for Debbie

As many of you know Debbie had surgery on Wednesday. She is home and recovering, in pain but not in more pain than the doctors told her to expect. It is hard to sit, or stand, and she is resting a lot. She asked me to post a message on here to request prayer for protection from sickness. Her kids have the flu. If she were to catch it the inevitable throwing up would cause severe problems for her abdominal area.

So please be praying for her in this specific way, and for their whole family.

Jamie

Jesus at the Walmart

So this morning I was at Walmart buying stuff for Girls Only: glue sticks, notebooks, stickers.... very fun stuff. I randomly chose a register out of the fifteen or so in front of me. This woman is ringing me up, sees all the glitter and glue going by, and asks if I am a teacher, at which point I explain to her what I do.

Her: "Really? Do it cost anything to go to your after school club?"

Me: "Nope. It's all free."

Her: "Where you at?"

Me: "On Dakota between Fruit and Palm."

Now she smiles at me. Real big.

Her: "Well I guess Jesus done brought you through my line, girl. Cuz I got a nephew staying with me and I been praying for something to hook him up with after school. He's getting himself in a mess of trouble. Looks like you is my answer to prayer."

Oh, and yes...she lives three blocks away from Dakota House.

One thing I truly love about God is how He can use us no matter how broken we are and regardless of the messes we are in. He sets up divine appointments, prepares the hearts, makes the way, and all the while we think we are just going about our business, trying to make it through another day, buying up glitter glue pens and shiny sequins.