Storms and prophets

Three nights ago, I also had a very vivid dream that I would like to share. After reading Jamie's dream, I can tell you I wish I would have had hers instead of mine!

I was with my family(immediate and extended) staying in a cabin on the ocean. I was feeling a great deal of urgency and panic because I knew there were major storms coming in...so major that they would definitley wipe out the house in which we were staying and the surrounding shore areas. I knew they were coming because the prophets had foretold it(yes, it gets a bit weird). I kept going outside the house to check to see if they were coming...and finally I could see the sky grow pitch black in the horizen and saw many jagged bits of lightening. The storms was moving toward us, and it filled me with ominous foreboding and dread. I ran inside and begged my family to come out and look at the approaching darkness..because they hadn't believed me before. They came out, but the darkness had lifted. "There are no storms coming, Melody," I remember my uncle saying.

"But the prophets foretold it. Don't you believe the prophets? Don't you believe there is such a thing as prophecy?"

I remember my uncle and dad shaking their heads and saying, "No, we don't believe in present day prophets. Don't worry about it." They went back inside, and as soon as they left, the darkness moved back in and a very strong wind began. The wind was so strong that I was crawling on my belly, clenching the rocks and dirt in my hands so I wouldn't get blown away. I was desperately trying to get back to the house, and I remember the acute panic and terror that nobody would listen or believe me before it was too late. Then I woke up. What do you guys think...have I been watching the Lord of the Rings too much?

Jesus and me

Last night I had the most amazing dream. I began my day wrapped in a wonderful feeling. Man I wish I had a remote control for my dream life. I would put this one on rewind and super-slow-mo and run it 24-7.

So I was at this big event of some sort, and rumor had it that Jesus was there somewhere. It looked like a concert, maybe. Brad thought perhaps it was U2. I can't verify that. Though as I told Brad I'm pretty sure it was not Dave Matthews Band, because that would have registered.

Anyway I spotted Him. Jesus. He was sitting on the ground kinda far away. And the people I was with (they were generally people I know and love but weren't exactly identified) couldn't see Him though I kept pointing Him out to them. Then Jesus saw me and He stood up. We ran up to each other, and into one another's arms. He wrapped His arms around me and we spun around and laughed and hugged and laughed some more. I was SO HAPPY.

The feeling of being held by Jesus was pretty much indescribable, but I'll give it a go. It was some combination of being held by my husband, but also of being a baby in my mother's arms, and also the feeling of holding my own babies, and my grown children hugging me, and looking into my father's eyes, and smelling my Grampo's cheeks and my best girlfriend's gentle hug.... it was all of that and way more. I felt so at home, so safe, so complete. I want it back.

So then Jesus and I walked together, arm in arm, down to the front row, where we apparently had really good seats, Him being Jesus and all. And we sat there, just talking, and laughing, and so happy being together. I guess we were waiting for the show to start. Not too sure about that. I didn't care about anything except that I was with Him.

Then lots of whispering started behind me, and I began to feel uncomfortable. I kept looking up into Jesus' face but He was unaffected by it. Then a woman (who looked vaguely like this church secretary where I was formerly on staff) tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and looked at her, and she berated me for our behavior. Jesus' and my behavior. I was like, "Um...yeah, but...see...it's Jesus!" She shook her head at me and all the people behind me began shaking their heads in unison.

This was quite disconcerting to me, and I snuggled in closer to Jesus and looked up into His face. He didn't even turn His head around to the people behind us, but held me closer and said, "It's okay. Don't even worry about it." And instantly everything else dissipated and I felt nothing but total joy. Me and Jesus. Just happy being together.

The end.

Follow Up

For those of you that read my former blog I posted today, I took it off because that same kid had a major meltdown episode at the end of class. Since it is now obvious that he has some big behavorial and emotional issues, I felt bad for making light of him earlier. So, my apologies to those of you that read that post, and those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.

We're Not Made of Sugar

This week's quote comes from our very own and beloved Melody Wachsmuth.

me (hesitantly) : "Well..... I guess we can still go hiking even if it's raining...."

Mel (enthusiastically) : "Of course we can. We're not made of sugar!"

Three Words - Jill Paquette

FREE

Take my life, make it clay
Shape this life in intricate ways
I want to be a child of faith
But what my heart wants most my body turns away

I push your ways aside and wonder why
I let my pride decide every time

And I can't wait to be free
From this life of mindless sin it compromises me
I know one day I will be
There is a victory that you've won for me
And when you come back again I'll be free

Turn my eyes to Your face
Let me draw from Your strength
And bathe in Your grace
Let me soar with wings to win the race
Let me have Your peace it's not a hopeless chase

'Cause I lose sight of all You have called me to be
It takes so much to drop me to my knees

I know one day I will be
There is a victory that You've won for me
And when You come back again I'll be free

Take my life, make it clay
Shape this life in intricate ways
I want to be a child of faith
But what my heart wants most my body turns away
But I know one day I'll be free

LISTEN to mp3

No prayer tonight

There will be no official gathering of the Tuesday Night Prayer Group (TNPG) this evening. After George reminded me of that at our regular Tuesday lunch date (RTLD), I peddled back to my office contemplating this singular fact. The first thought that came to mind was that I will miss seeing everyone, miss catching up on how things are going in each others lives. How did the teaching gig go today, were you able to teach any more tennis lessons? Is the anemia subsiding? I am already missing the guitar playing and singing. Also just sitting there listening, soaking up His presence and the unmistakable synergy of gathering and sharing with others of His own. So many sparkling facets of our weekly event that ground me, grow me and challenge me. Yet mostly, the actual 'praying' part is often awkward for me. I still struggle with prayer. I mean really, if I struggle talking in front of a small crowd of just ordinary folks, what words can I speak to the creator of the whole flippin universe? Just keying that sentence into this post is more than a bit intimidating. So there I said it, praying is hard.

Last Sunday a gentleman by the name of Ben Patterson spoke at First Pres. Here is an excerpt from his book "Deepening your Conversation with God". I think he and I are from the same gene pool

I’'m not “into” prayer. I seem to have missed the religious gene or whatever it is that makes people enjoy the act of praying. It’s not my nature to pray. I’'m not into prayer, I am into God! I thirst and hunger for God, I ache for God. Without His everlasting arms holding me up, I will fall. So I must pray.

Good Church. Good Words.

Church was good on Sunday. So good I am still thinking about it. We had a speaker who said lots of profound stuff but the sentence that stuck with me most is this one:

EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS IS ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.

So there you go.

Well I really do like oatmeal--but.....

So I took the Belief-O-Matic test. Instead of watching Saturday morning cartoons.... okay we don't have TV but I still get up on Saturday mornings and think of Mighty Mouse....

Anyway--I took the test.

Apparently I am an Orthodox Quaker.

Birthday Bard

Saturday, April 23rd is the day 'we' celebrate the birthday of William Shakespeare. His exact birth date is unknown, but he was baptized on April 26th 1564 so this date was chosen some time ago, partly because it is also the day he died in 1616.

I don't know what Jesus and Willie agreed upon when he went to eternity, but I sure do hope he is in heaven when I get there, because I would really like to hang out with someone who says stuff like this:

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
whilst I, my soveriegn, watch the clock for you,
nor think the bitterness of absence sour
when you have bid your servant once adieu.
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
but like a slave stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will
though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

Emily and THE AVENGER

For those of you who remember Emily (a.k.a. Puddin) when she was just a little girl, take a look at her now..... here she is in her new car: THE AVENGER... Isn't she beautiful?

"You Can Almost Feel The Crackling Flames....!"

Remember Chick tracts? Now they are on video. Scary.

Belief-O-Matic

Belief-O-Matic. I did not make this up. Now you can go online and figure out what you believe by answering just a few simple questions.

But I still love technology.

The Power of Our Prayers

Read this encouraging message from Mel Palm (posted with her permission)... I have obviously left the name out, but we can all still pray for this brother of ours who needs prayer and protection perhaps more now than he ever has....and be reminded that our prayers can change the world...

james…

…thanks so much for your prayers. life continues to be so rich, and the Lord has absolutely overwhelmed me with his word and answers to prayer. what a gift this season has been.

remember my friend, __________, struggling with homosexuality, etc...well its been a long road, and will continue to be. but a really long and continuous story made short--he moved to nashville to "run from God" and when he arrived, God pursued him through relationships that have been used in powerful ways to draw him back to the Lord. he got plugged into a church, a Godly man came into his life, called him into the light, and ____ had no ability to turn away. he says that the Lord opened his heart to share his story, and since then...this guy ( a pastor) has taken him up, introduced him to other Godly men (men, men, men...just as we were praying!) and helped him get plugged into a small group that meets weekly.

so, in the meantime, ________ has quit his job (as he was working in the fashion industry and was constantly tempted), is moving out of his apartment (in the gay community of town), but for now is staying with different people in his small group, and has rededicated/asked jesus into his heart. he said for the first time he understands and is able to see that jesus blood covers over this struggle in his life.

just talking with him, he is at rest. he is tired and taking life a couple hours at a time (according to his words). the battle is thick, but the Lords faithfulness shines so brightly through his story. he is getting baptized in a couple weeks! and in all of this, i have continued to think of debbie, and the miraculous healing that the Lord is bringing to her. and how much do the prayers of God's family contribute to the healing and the process God has all of us in. i love that we are able to receive such encouragement when he allows us to see the fruits of our prayers. he doesn't have to, but what a gift that he does!

i could go on and on, but just wanted to thank you for praying as you have and let you know, as an encouragement to you, that your prayers are powerful and effective. and you have a brother, in nashville tennesse that has come home! what a celebration...

i love you friend. and will lift you in prayer this day! greet those i know :)

mel

Note from Jamie: Someone I love very much has just moved to Nashville, his heart turned bitter towards God and the music that used to lead others to Him now comes from a dark place....so Mel's words encouraged me greatly.... he is not out there alone but under the loving eye of Jesus who can certainly follow you to Nashville.....

a quote from Annie the most famous orphan

"yesterday was plain awful!"
"you can say that again!"
"yesterday was plain awful!"
"but that's, not now, that's when!"

let's just say God is faithful and will not put us through more than we can bear. though sometimes i think He overshoots my tolerance levels. from one day to the next, a whole world of change and opportunity arises. the fog lifts and what seemed hopeless now has purpose and drive. thank you God for teaching me patience and trust. again.

The Teenage Brain...it ain't over till it's over

In case you are wondering if it is 'too late' to have an impact on some teenager you know, go HERE and watch an MRI video of a developing teenage brain. It isn't even fully formed until age 25. So don't give up.There is still plenty of pruning to be done.

Dr. Otto Octavius quote (Spiderman 2)

The power of the son, in the palm of my hand!

Once again I am amazed and brought to my knees

It is very easy to tell someone to trust God. But doing it... well, even though I profess to do it I think that really, truly, when it comes down to something that affects my life and my heart in a deep way, I struggle more than I would like to believe.

This weekend God did a very unexpected thing. He showed me something that was a threat to my son Nate, about the father in a home where he was spending the night. I told my son about it, thinking that I was just giving him information to protect him. As it turns out, God wanted to do something bigger for Nate. And for me.

Unbeknownst to me, Nate has been struggling with faith. He told me he has been having feelings of doubt. This from my son who has for many years considered himself a warrior in the spiritual battle. But the enemy has been speaking to him, and I was clueless.

When I told Nate what God had put on my heart about this home where he was staying, he confronted his friend, and found out that what God had showed me was true. I will never forget the look on my son's face when he said to me, "Mom--God is amazing. You don't understand how much that builds my faith up." And then he told me of his recent struggles with his faith.

Nate was able to warn his friend, giving good testimony to a boy who does not live in a home that knows Jesus. And Nate had his own faith strenghtened in the process.

And now he understands that just as when his football coach puts five guys on a good player of the opposing team, the enemy likewise targets spiritual warriors, and his arrows are aimed at Nate. And he also understands that God reached out to him, showing Himself to Nate just when he needed it.

And as for me, I realized that I too have been targeted recently. After some time of feeling unmotivated, overwhelmed, cynical, weighed down to the point where even simple things seemed too much, and feeling ashamed to speak about it, Jesus told me to ask my husband to pray for me. And I did. And he is. Faithfully. And God showed me many things over this past weekend for which I am deeply grateful. And this morning I walk into my day with hope restored and eyes cleared. And he told me to tell about it, though I feel hesitant to do so.

God forgive me for my unfaithfulness and pride, and thank you for giving me a husband who understands his place as my spiritual leader and protector. Thank you for watching over my children, whom you love even more than I do. Thank you for showing me I need to trust You, and listen to your instruction. Once again I am amazed and brought to my knees by the wondrous power and gentle loving intimacy of You.

Incoming

her beauty quite like Joan of Arc, pure
so trusting my heart I did spark her
she's now all for Jesus
and lets none come between us
(her name changed to jamie m barker)

the profound things i learn in movies

ok, here it is, i am going to talk about a movie dave and i watched the other night, without really mentioning which movie it is, because i don't want to really recommend it, it was billed as a comedy but was more of a drama, and some of the things weren't the kinds of things i would suggest to you all. that being said, this movie affected me in such a deep way, in fact dave and i stayed up until 5am discussing things from it and how it related to us and our kids and all of that, it was one of the perfect nights i have had in my life. this movie had really complex characters in it. a psychotic mother who was obsessed with her looks and happened to have a daughter who was a little overweight, there was a scene where the mom comes in with bags and bags of new clothes for the daughter, and the daughter is so excited, because she is wealthy and knows that they are great clothes, one by one the girl pulls items out of the bags, and soon she starts looking at the size of them, they are a size smaller than the girl actually wears, and she starts to cry, the dad is so upset at the mom, and she shrugs it off and says i just wanted to motivate her, she can do this, and really sees nothing wrong in what she did. i was livid at this imaginary movie character! but so grateful do see that in a movie, i know people like this and it made me think long and hard about how i treat my girls, or how i would treat them if they got fat. in the process of all this dysfunctional family goes through they hire a housekeeper, who has a daughter of her own, the pyscho mom with the money loves the daughter for she is skinny, smart and thinks that this woman is great. she tricks the mom into sending her daughter to a private school for a better education, in the end of the movie, the housekeeper quits and decides she won't allow her daughter to even attend the school anymore, the daughter is crying and screaming about her life being ruined and it is all the mom's fault, after awhile, the mom says to the girl, is your whole purpose in life to turn out differently than me? this statement hit me like a ton of bricks! i was crying and i was very emotional, and i wonder if that is how my children feel sometimes. there is also a crazy grandma in the film and in the end when the housekeeper is saying goodbye and making her daughter leave the plush life behind, the grandma tells her, i have lived my whole life for myself, you live your life for your daughter, none of it works. i laughed because i realized that all my best intentions are not going to make my children have any less of a free will later on in life. ok, last one, the stupid rich wife after her mother confronts her decides to tell her husband that she has been having an affair, he walks in and she is talking a hundred miles an hour, after a few minutes, he tells her to stop and then says, i couldn't hear anything you said, the sound of the earth cracking blocked you out. ouch! i can relate, there have been many times when i feel the world crumbling beneath me and cannot hear or think clearly. so that is it, i learned so much and had the best night talking with dave about life, kids, marriage, and all of it, i even cried, which is usually dave's job in movie watching. just thought i would share i know it isn't some deep philosopher's statement or even a quote from a classic book, but it affected me all the same.

Downtown Fresno...I love it. Rode my bike down there today and took it all in...

Forget all your troubles, forget all your cares ...and go downtown.

Joints and Marrow

'For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.'

Hebrews 4:12

Today's Consumer Plug--NETFLIX

Check out Netflix. If you haven't heard of it, let me fill you in...

--Movies come to your mailbox.

--You can pick from thousands of movies, new and old, and are not limited to the 'blockbusters' from this year that are replete with car chases, aliens, people having sex with everything that moves (or doesn't) and boring, pointless plots. There are true stories that you never get to see in the theaters because they are only there for about five minutes, cool PBS documentaries and even old classic TV shows.

--Movies come to your mailbox

--You don't have to go to the porn shop- I mean, video store- to get your movies.

--You go online and read reviews, watch trailers, and pick movies to put in your queue sitting at your desk in your pajamas with a cup of coffee.

--Movies come to your mailbox.

--Netflix gives you personalized recommendations based on movies you have already watched and reviewed.

--Movies come to your mailbox.

--There are no late fees. You keep the movies as long as you want. And it's not that expensive. (Brad gave it to me as a birthday present and it was a BIG HIT).

--Movies come to your mailbox.

Guess what--there are a lot of really good movies out there that you can watch with your kids and wouldn't have to hide under the coffee table if Jesus came and sat on your couch. You wouldn't know it after a trip to the video store, but it's true. Check it out, and if you join up we can send Netflix notices to one another recommending good movies. How cool is that?

Answer To (Jamie's) Prayer

Sting Lyrics Library: From Dead Man's Rope...

Now I’m suspended between my darkest fears and dearest hope
Yes I’ve been walking, now I’m hanging from a dead man's rope
With hell below me, and heaven in the sky above
I’ve been walking, I’ve been walking away from Jesus' love

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I’m just hanging here in space

Forward THIS

VENTING POST—PROCEED WITH CAUTION

If I were not a ‘Christian’, and I got hold of one of those forwarded emails that get sent out from someone who is a ‘Christian’, I would take an oath and swear in a blood pact to never ever even consider becoming one.

You know the ones I am talking about… here is just a sampling of a few I have received in the last month or so. Sadly, these are real...

--Pass this message to 7 people {EXCEPT YOU AND ME}. You will receive a
miracle tomorrow. I hope that you don't ignore and let God bless you.

--Pass this message to 8 people {EXCEPT YOU AND ME}. You will receive a miracle tomorrow. I hope that you don't ignore and let God bless you. It's your choice.

--If you send this to 10 people in the next 143 minutes, then tomorrow will be
the best day ever.

--Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. Passing this on to one not considered a friend is something Christ would do

--If you are not ashamed, send this message...only if you believe.

--This is really awesome!! Please send this to those who you love and care about including the one who sent it to you. If you care...

--You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about.
You know the choice I made.
God Bless, and smile, it could be contagious

If I were Jesus, I would be embarrassed. Fortunately for us all, of course, I am not Jesus. But still. Come on people, what are we doing, here?

It Was Just A Dream

Tonight my Grams and Grampo came to our house for dinner. When Grampo was talking about the fact that he and Grams have been married for over 75 years, I said, "Grampo, that is a very long time. "

He looked across the table at me and said, "No... it was just a dream."

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

Yesterday I asked Jesus to give me an opportunity with my son. A moment in the busyness of the weekend where Nate's heart and ears were open and I could share some things with him. A chance to remind him to set himself apart, to lean his ear to God, to make a difference for the kingdom. Nate is on a high school football team. The wisdom of football philosophy eludes me, and there are things I see in it that do not feel right. I have seen changes in my son that don't feel right, either. So I prayed for The Holy Spirit's help and He got busy. This morning at 6:45 my moment came, and Jesus was in the car with us, and it was grand. The Spirit spoke more than I did... always a good thing. Today Nate is at a weightlifting competition, showing off his muscles, yes, lifting big heavy barbells, yes, but also stretching his spiritual muscles and learning to lift Jesus high. I am a happy mama today.

Like a rose, trampled on the ground

He was despised and rejected and forsaken by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him. -Isaiah 53:3

Page 41

We have all been rejected at some time in our lives. Here is a little of what Neil Anderson has to say about it.

Page 41 of the booklet by Neil Anderson:
Understanding Rejection

Romans 15:7 "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God."

When we think or feel rejected and unloved we then determine to please the significant others to gain their approval. Then more rejection comes resulting in choosing one of the three defense postures.

1. Beat the system. 2. Give into the system. 3. Rebel against the system.

1. Beat the system: This person basically buys the system and learns to compete or scheme to "get ahead" and become the "significant other." Eventually results in more rejection because the ability to perform eventually diminishes.
Emotional Results: Inability to express feelings emotional insulation perfectionism worries.
Attitudes and Reactions towards God:Refuses to come under God's authority, has little real fellowship with God.

2. Give into the System: Continue the efforts to satisfy others but begins to believe that they themselves are rejectable and unloveable resulting in more rejection because acceptance comes less to those who reject themselves.
Emotional Results: Feelings of worthlessness and inferiority subjectivity introspection self-condemning.
Attitudes and Reactions towards God: Projects earthly father's behavior onto God, unable to trust God

3. Rebel Against the System This person fights the system and says, "I don't need or want your love." Often behaves or dresses in an objectionable way. This results in more rejection because a rebel causes others to be more defensive of the system they reject.
Emotional Results: Wishing he had never been born undisciplined irresponsibility self-hatred and bitterness.
Attitudes and Reactions towards God: Views God as a tyrant and rebels against Him.

The most significant systems: 1. Family 2. School 3. Society in general.

Look what I found

While "Monking" my office today, I found a 120 page booklet entiled, "Spiritual Conflicts and Biblical Counseling," copyright 1989! It is by Neil Anderson who heads up the Freedom in Christ Ministries. He is a great guy and rather smart. I heard him once speak in Southern Calfornia and I was very impressed. That is why I have so much of his literature around my house and office.
Anyway, I was thumbing through this booklet and I was struck with one very interesting thought. THERE IS A WHOLE LOT OF INFORMATION IN HERE! Then I was instantly filled with joy knowing that Jesus has sent THE HELPER. Thank you Jesus that you sent the Holy Spirit! He did not sent the DOER but rather the HELPER. Nice. We do our part and He does His part and when it is all said and done, there is life and freedom and joy.
Thank you Jesus! Now I can re-read this booklet without thinking that I have to memorize it to experience healing for myself and others.

Two Monks in one night!

Hey, I have the complete third season of Monk on my computer. I got it off a site that has about every known TV show there for anyone to download. Anyway, it is one thing to have Monk on your computer and a totally different thing to get it to show on my 65 inches of golden visual delight. (my tv) With a S Video cable and some other hookups, I was watching Monk in style. The first episode I had seen before but don't know how that was possible. Imagine watching a mystery while yourself in a mystery.
Well, Cindy and I decided to watch another episode which we both had not seen. It was called, "Monk and the blackout." Very good.
Anyway, what happens when one watches that much Monk in one night? Well for me, I come to school and I "Monked" my office. Yes, my office is soooooo much cleaner today then it has been in weeks.
Thanks Monk.

Today's Artist To Pray For Is:

Dave Matthews.

"If at all God's gaze
upon us falls
it is with
a mischievous grin."

--Seek Up

I guess Dave has never read 2Chronicles 16:9.

This Week's Slang and Unconventional Sayings:

She was flat out like a lizard at her job today. (working really fast)

I've just been hanging on the slack these days. (waiting for something to happen)

Holy moly I need a pookyacky pill this morning. (something to take when you are in a bad mood)

And this one is for Cory ....

She was really giving me the rough end of the pineapple on the phone yesterday. (a hard time)

Still thinking about THE HEART

'My God, what is a heart
that Thou shouldst it so eye and woo,
powering upon it with all Thy art
as if Thou hadst nothing else to do?'

--George Herbert

Melody's Verse

I keep thinking about that verse Mel read to us last night. Here is another translation from the Holman Christian Standard:

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to show Himself strong for those whose hearts are completely His.

Thank you Mel. I will take this with me wherever I go today.

Been reading intense and astounding poetry on the blog of someone clearly hurt by some church/religion/institition/"Christian"...
Religion kills. Jesus saves.

Just Peddling Along

Raise your hand if you've ever been on the back of a tandem. What the heck--raise both hands. You can, because you don't have to steer. You can't steer, to be more precise.

On Saturday Brad and I went on a tandem bike ride, and among other things we visited Brad's father, who now lives in a home for Alzheimer's patients. We found my great Aunt Virginia, who also lives there, sitting in one of the dining rooms. I did not know her.

She is withered beyond recognition, and she sat swallowed up in her wheelchair, head back, mouth open, eyes closed. When I touched her arm to try to rouse her, she feebly pulled her arm into herself, and mumbled incoherently. Though I told her who I was, she never responded. I cannot even tell you if she heard me at all.

My Aunt Virginia was once a wise-cracking, pasta-rolling, polka-dancing, loud-laughing woman who owned a deli with her husband, my Uncle Joe. Together they served up great mounds of wondrous food at all of our family gatherings. She always had a joke or a story to tell.

Where has that woman gone? Is she still in there? Does she know and feel things? Why doesn't God take her?

I don't know the answers to those questions. Brad, who is wiser in these matters and is living through the heartache of seeing his father suffer from that disease, said that he has come to accept that it really is all in God's timing when we go. To my mind that takes a huge amount of trust.

Peddling back home I thought about that and came to the conclusion that Brad is right, and life is a bit like riding on the back of a tandem. You can't see where you are going, and there are unseen bumps and turns... you just have to sort of hold on and trust. Brad calls out directions to me, and I must listen carefully. If I just follow his lead, we're fine. We get into trouble when I try to lean around and see where we're headed, or when I put my foot down in the middle of something Brad is trying to do. But once I am able to fall into the rhythm and enjoy the ride, it really is sweet. It's just the wind and the sun and the lovely feel of flying along. And the thing is, I do know where I will end up. If I just trust, listen, obey, hold on, and give it all I've got, when the ride is over, I will be home.

Victorious Warriors

The Lord your God is in your midst, victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

--Zephaniah 3:17

you tell me

you tell me....do you automatically think that physical pain is awful? that you would rather have any other kind of pain but physical? have you been physically hurt before? because, i need answers, i need to know that this pain, this gnawing at my mind, breaking of my heart, shattering of my spirit, is less painful than physical pain. i need to know that i can't trade one for the other, and if i had to choose which is less painful. i need to know that other people would choose to "feel" the emptiness inside of them over a solid beating. maybe i don't remember so well, but to me, physical pain is far less intrusive as "feelings", it hurts really bad, and then you heal, in my mind, the pain intensifies, grows and grows, it gets added to, more and more "feelings" come into play, it doesn't stop growing, it doesn't heal, it stays fresh in my mind, it brings me to bitterness and lonliness and hopelessness, and yet it continues to ache. there are no band-aids for what is hurting me. you tell me....which would you choose?

what is wrong with me?!

what is wrong with me?! i ask myself that question so often, but this weekend, i have asked myself about every hour. what is wrong with me?! i strive for normalcy, and then think that I really have no clue what "normal" really is. and is it something i wish to obtain? is how i feel, how i act, how i think, how i interact with people, that abnormal? is wanting to express myself, to have "true" feelings odd? is wanting to feel loved by more than just an entity wrong? is feeling acceptance and a sense of belonging different than what others feel? is the pain of rejection any less in me than others? do i truly have a place in this world, or am i left to constantly search? is realizing that i am a liability to all and a priority to none less painful if you are "normal"? is it too much to ask and receive an honest answer about "being normal"? so often i feel as if people view me as a "normal person" they don't know the things that go on in my head, or any of my past, they see what i present to them on the outside, and they treat me accordingly. then there are the people that know me that have intimate knowledge about who i am and the complexities that come along with that, and do they treat me any differently than if i was a "normal person"? i don't have the answers. i just know that somewhere along the lines of escaping my past and trying to find normalcy, i lost myself. i lost being the person who could conquer the world, who had a smile for everyone, who never turned down a challenge, who was dependable, who was fun, who was carefree. i am not those things anymore, i have lost my identity along the way. i long to be that fun-loving, life-affirming person, who didn't remember her past, who didn't rely on others to get her through hard times, who didn't reject life when everyone around her couldn't be there to get her through, i lost who i once was. sometimes, i see glimpses of her in my children, hear them laughing and watch them clowning around, and remember the times when i was fun and not afraid, and not alone. this path i have chosen, perhaps saved my physical being, this path that i have chosen might have saved my spiritual being, but i feel like a hollow shell, people notice and just like in the past, they think "she's normal" she doesn't need me. and perhaps the path i am on, is the wrong one. and maybe it isn't.

How did I get this job, anyway?

I got an excited call from Irisa at after school club the other day, tearfully letting me know that 10 kids had asked her to help them get saved. TEN KIDS. She wanted a little bit of help talking her through it...but really--she didn't need me at all. Jesus was all over it.

This is the note she left on my desk (which of course I saved):

Alexandria
Jade
Daniella
Gabby
Savannah
Cheyenne
Skyla
Clarence
Tyler
and
Ralph gave their lives to Jesus today I'm so happy I hope they remember this forever because I will.

I really can't add anything to this.

Ralph and my son Nate

Mystery Inexpressible

"But thinking is not enough. Men are made to worship also, to bow down and adore in the presence of the mystery inexpressible." --Tozer

Finding myself dumbfounded today... humbled by what I see God doing around me. I am unloquacious. Speechless, even.

. . .mingling of kindred personalities

God formed us for His pleasure, and so formed us that we as well as He can in divine communion enjoy the sweet and mysterious mingling of kindred personalities. He meant us to see Him and live with Him and draw our life from His smile. (posted by Brad)
A. W. Tozer

Cheese revisited

Here is a link that you'll surely want to bookmark:



That's right, all you have to do is click on that miniature wheel and you're just one mouse click away from 182 pages of aged dairy delight. And yes, you can even get those hard-to-find Kraft American Singles. Bon Appétit. (posted by Brad)

Spaghetti Trees--who wouldn't want one?

On April Fool's Day, in 1957 the BBC television program Panorama ran a famous hoax showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. Consequently--and understandably-- a lot of people wanted spaghetti trees of their own. (see other documented hoaxes and the history of April Fool's Day here)

I thought this a nice example of an April Fool's Day trick, and also an excellent opportunity to introduce a cool website I just discovered. It is called Answers.com. Check it out. The link is in the sidebar.